A GIFT

This morning, I found a much-needed gift.

Mark's schedule this quarter is heavy for both of us. He leaves home at 6:30 a.m. and arrives home at about 6:30 p.m. most days. I have been floating on all the thoughts of why my life is still luxurious, remembering all the people who have less time with their husbands at home, or even no husband! I cope by thinking of all the things I'm grateful for, like 3 healthy, thriving children, alive and well, bodies that work well, mental strength, etc.

Yesterday, I allowed myself to stop spinning those thoughts through my head and say, "Wait. I'm tired." It felt like I was treading water. I knew I would make it. I could feel my own strength. But, the water I was treading seemed to be getting deeper and wider. I woke Mark at 5:30 this morning, as I lay there awake, just to say, "something needs to change."

This morning, I had another frantic morning: awake at 5 to study (this is the only time I have to study!). By 5:30, Greta was in our bed, and Quinn needed to nurse more between 5 and 6 than he did the whole rest of the night! I so want to gratefully help Greta welcome the morning by cuddling her in. So, between the two of them, no studying got done, no dose of accomplishment today. I got up and buzzed around getting everyone fed and lunch packed and everyone dressed and brushed. Then, a gift arrived. It was this: I looked at the clock, and it was only 7:15! Why is that a gift? Because it means we have time to walk to school!!!

So, I quickly strapped Quinn on my back and bundled the girls into the double jogger. Despite the fact that I was pushing/carrying an extra 100 lbs, we made it to school on time (early, even)! On the way there, I huffed and puffed up and down hills and sometimes felt like I was moving in slow motion. On the way back, I was able to take it in: the refreshing sun, breaking through the tall trees, the calm and quiet, the birds who had been saying good morning for so long already, my body needing to be worked in this way, the little heads peeking out of the stroller, taking in the moment with me. At that moment, I felt it: a sense of peace. I literally felt my whole body soak it in. I realized today is Earth Day, and not only was I overcome by the beauty of the natural world around me, but I was so grateful to have had the opportunity to be out of the car on this day.

My kids are like any others: they are sometimes wild and loud and overstimulating to the adults. But, there are times that I treasure, when they understand calm and quiet -- when they are not asleep, but they are quiet and just take it in, sometimes even for long stretches. I watched this as we walked home. I loved it as much as I loved seeing bright little eyes peeking out of a knitted hood, tiny hands gripping the quilt that was made for me by my Grossmama's cousin, a mess of white hair cuddling into the little blanket my mom made for a doll. I realized my children were quietly taking in the world as they were wrapped in the love of generations before them.

Now that's a gift.